Wisconsin Boy Renounces His Bar-Miztvah Following Stale Bagel

WISCONSIN–An Ashland County, Wisconsin boy has denounced his Bar Mitzvah following a tirade at a local synagogue.

Witnesses report the boy, Michael Trappstein, age 13, went on a five minute verbal tirade that ultimately ended with the boy denouncing his just completed Bar Mitzvah.  Jonathan Klein, a local businessman and friend of Michael’s parents, says that he’s never quite seen something like this before. “He just went completely nuts, man.  Mike just snapped.”  According to these witnesses, everything was going quite nicely until midway through the reception, when a simple bite into an “everything” bagel sent Trappstein spiraling out of control.

Ingrid Edelman, a family friend, recounted “It was such a nice service.  The Rabbi really gave a lovely sermon.  Almost out of nowhere Michael just started screaming “life’s too fucking short!” and ran out of the room shouting obscenities.  It really is a shame.  He was such a nice boy.  I don’t know what happened.  The bagels really were quite lovely.”  But according to Trappstein, the bagels were the last straw.

“The bagels were stale.  The fucking bagels were stale!  First I got these fucking pink yarmulkes, then they give me a stale fucking bagel.  Becoming a man my ass! I’m never fucking getting laid!” ranted a visibly upset Trappstein.

Those close to Trappstein report that leading up to his Bar Mitzvah, he had been a bit out of sorts.  Normally a calm, loving boy, friends say that Trappstein had been growing increasingly upset over the color choice his parents made for his traditional Bar-Mitzvah-stamped yarmulkes.  When asked why they picked pink, Leonard, Michael’s father, failed to see what the problem was. “So he had salmon-colored yarmulkes.  So what?  Is that something to scream over? What is he going to lay anyway?!  Mike’s 13!”

Rabbi Levi Goldstein disagreed.  ”Its really a shame what happened with that Michael.  Pink yarmulkes can be a disaster to a young man his age.  Especially here in Ashland.  There’s only so many jewish girls here.  He has a reputation.   But he shouldn’t have renounced his faith.”  However, those close to him report that Trappstein felt as if he had no choice.  ”If he can’t get decent bagels at his Bar Mitzvah, with a yarmulke like his, who’s going to touch him?  He had to go goy.  He’d be celibate for life!” reported a friend who wished to remain unidentified.

Tony’s Auto and Bagel, the store who catered the event, declined to comment on the record, but insisted that the bagels they supplied were both plump and fresh.

“I’m not worried about it at all.” Leonard Trappstein added. “Goy or jew, he’ll get laid.  Its not as if there’s a lot to choose from here.”