Chicago Rabbi Labels Recent Outbreak of “Swine Flu” As Hate Crime. Mexico Not Amused.

CHICAGO – Chicago’s most popular rabbi has taken a bold, if not controversial stance concerning the latest viral pandemic, the H1N1 Virus, better known as Swine Flu.  Known as the “Jewish Jesse Jackson”, Rabbi Mendel Feinblatt, leader of Chabad ChiTown, cast the latest outbreak of Swine Flu as a hate crime aimed against Judaism.

Speaking during a guest appearance on “Jew Know It”, a highly-rated show on Chicago’s WJEW, 102.8 FM, Rabbi Feinblatt argued that due to Mexico’s current bout of political upheaval, he could not rule out the possibility that Mexico’s government planted this virus within its pig population as a method of exterminating the area’s Jewish population, as statistics show a majority of Mexico’s Jew’s fail to keep kosher.

“It really is rather simple.  There has always been a long-standing tension between Mexico’s governing body and the nation’s Jewish population.  Following World War II, a large number of Jews fleeing Europe arrived in Mexico, taking a toll on one of the region’s scarcest commodities; jobs” argues Feinblatt.  While the Jewish population has mostly assimilated into the mainstream population, there has always been an underlying tension that existed.  What better time to take a swipe at the non-kosher-keeping Jewish population than during a time when the world’s attention is diverted towards political unrest?  It makes perfect sense and the United States must take a stand.”

While Rabbi Feinblatt has a reputation for taking what some would consider to be radical viewpoints, many of the Rabbi’s followers were stunned by this assertion.  Josué Maria Katz, a Mexican-born immigrant now residing in Chicago and a member of Chabad ChiTown calls Feinblatt’s statements absurd. “Am I angry?  I wouldn’t call it angry.  I think surprised and disappointed would be more accurate.  My family only recently left Mexico, and we’ve never encountered any mistreatment of any kind.  The Mexican people couldn’t have been more hospitable.  I have no idea what he’s talking about” responded Katz.

Contacted through a spokesman, Mexican governmental officials refused to comment, but Howard Goldman, host of the popular “Jew Know It” radio program believes Feinblatt to have an ulterior agenda. “He’s been on the show many times, and I can guarantee you he had ulterior motives.  Feinblatt has long been an advocate of Judaic living within the dietary laws, and I’m sure this was his way of furthering that goal.  You have to admit, he stirred up debate.  It was the highest rated hour we’ve ever had.”

However, not all listeners were amused.  Martha Kluger, president of the Illinois chapter of the Center for Judaic Atrocities is outraged at the Rabbi’s comments, and has arranged a protest on the grounds of Chabad ChiTown this Thursday at 3 P.M.  ”As if we aren’t up against enough hatred and challenges as a culture?  Does he feel as if he’s advancing Judaism?  He’s insane! Everyday we’re battling real hate crimes, trying to overcome real oppression, and he goes and makes these comments.  The world needs to know that we will not let this Rabbi turn us into a cultural laughing stock!”

The H1N1 virus, more commonly known as “Swine Flu” was recently labeled a pandemic by the World Health Organization, as thousands of infections have been found worldwide.  The virus derived its name from pigs, who were transmitting the disease to those humans who had contact with the infected animal.  However, the WHO has specifically stated that the virus is so threatening as it has become communicable from person to person.  Following a global knee-jerk reaction, in which many countries began slaughtering thousands of pigs, the WHO encouraged news organizations to no longer refer to the virus as “Swine Flu” but rather by its scientific name, the H1N1 influenza.

The Report has made several attempts to contact Rabbi Feinblatt regarding these comments, but all attempts were rebuffed by a Chabad spokeswoman, citing personal reasons for his unavailability.  Chabad ChiTown continues to operate as normal, however, with daily Torah study continuing at 5 P.M.  Audio recordings of the “Jew Know It” program was made available for this report courtesy of WJEW management.

Israeli Rapper Called Racist After Using the Word “Higga”

LOS ANGELES – An Israeli hip-hop artist has come under fire after calling his concert attendees “higgas” during last Thursday’s sold-out show at the Bamboo Club in downtown Los Angeles.  Witnesses report Amzi Netanya Hefetz, more commonly known as “Big Jewzy” to his fans, greeted concert-goers by allegedly shouting “What’s Up My Higgas?” shortly after taking the stage.  While the show continued without incident, some fans took great offense to the slur.

“It just wasn’t necesary”, said concert-goer Brian Cortez. “His music is more spiritual than that.  I guess he thought he had to say things like that in the American concert scene.  It was pretty upsetting.”  Concert-goer Michael Jenkins took a much more impassioned response. “Not funny.  Who the hell does that man think he is?  He has good music, but to go out there and call me a higga?  That’s just plain stupid right there”, commented Jenkins.  ”He’s lucky he made it out of there, tell you the truth.”

Still, others failed to see much of problem, citing his thick accent, many were ambivalent to Hefetz’s alleged slur.  ”What did he say?  Really?  I don’t think I heard that.  What does that even mean?” responded concert-goer Joshua Stern.  ”A lot of his songs are in Hebrew, so I had a hard time telling when he switched between Hebrew and English.  He can drop a good beat though.  I’d see him again.”

Hefetz has only recently made his American debut, playing mostly smaller bars and clubs, but already he is developing a following.  In Israel, the rapper known as “Big Jewzy” can barely cross a street in Tel Aviv without causing a stir.  Topping the Israeli Billboard charts with Hebrew-language singles such as “Ain’t No Messiah” and “That Car Don’t Moo” (roughly translated from it’s Hebraic name), Hefetz recently released his controversial English-language single “Jew Like Me”, featuring such lyrics as, “You know I’m straight up trippin, that my boy there, we call him a higgan.”  While iTunes hasn’t released any sales statistics for this song as of yet, comments on Hefetz artist page have been relatively positive.

Local Jewish groups have taken notice, however.  In Los Angeles, for example, the L.A.-based Center for Judaic Atrocities has included pleas to boycott “Big Jewzy” in its latest newsletter.  Group chairman Ira Klein, a local dentist, claims Hefetz to be skating too close to cultural taboos, tip-toeing the line between calling his Jewish followers Hebrews, and disparaging their culture.  ”It needs to stop now.  We know what he’s doing.  He’s trying to play off of the American rap culture by using the terms “higga” and higgan”, but he’s getting real close to offending millions of Jewish people.  I’m offended. I don’t want to be called a Hebrew, and especially not a “higga”.  I understand the uproar at the concert the other night.  It was justified, it truly was.”

Although Hefetz could not be reached for comment while traveling on his self-entitled “Jew Too” tour, Hefetz’s website does offer some incite into the artist’s thought process as every song is seemingly about unity and one-people.  Hefetz is continuing on with his tour, seemingly unfazed by the latest outrage, and one can be certain that his detractors will be paying attention. “I’m disgusted, and I’ll be watching.  This is not how you win fans in this country.  He should be wary of that”, said Klein.

Wisconsin Boy Renounces His Bar-Miztvah Following Stale Bagel

WISCONSIN–An Ashland County, Wisconsin boy has denounced his Bar Mitzvah following a tirade at a local synagogue.

Witnesses report the boy, Michael Trappstein, age 13, went on a five minute verbal tirade that ultimately ended with the boy denouncing his just completed Bar Mitzvah.  Jonathan Klein, a local businessman and friend of Michael’s parents, says that he’s never quite seen something like this before. “He just went completely nuts, man.  Mike just snapped.”  According to these witnesses, everything was going quite nicely until midway through the reception, when a simple bite into an “everything” bagel sent Trappstein spiraling out of control.

Ingrid Edelman, a family friend, recounted “It was such a nice service.  The Rabbi really gave a lovely sermon.  Almost out of nowhere Michael just started screaming “life’s too fucking short!” and ran out of the room shouting obscenities.  It really is a shame.  He was such a nice boy.  I don’t know what happened.  The bagels really were quite lovely.”  But according to Trappstein, the bagels were the last straw.

“The bagels were stale.  The fucking bagels were stale!  First I got these fucking pink yarmulkes, then they give me a stale fucking bagel.  Becoming a man my ass! I’m never fucking getting laid!” ranted a visibly upset Trappstein.

Those close to Trappstein report that leading up to his Bar Mitzvah, he had been a bit out of sorts.  Normally a calm, loving boy, friends say that Trappstein had been growing increasingly upset over the color choice his parents made for his traditional Bar-Mitzvah-stamped yarmulkes.  When asked why they picked pink, Leonard, Michael’s father, failed to see what the problem was. “So he had salmon-colored yarmulkes.  So what?  Is that something to scream over? What is he going to lay anyway?!  Mike’s 13!”

Rabbi Levi Goldstein disagreed.  ”Its really a shame what happened with that Michael.  Pink yarmulkes can be a disaster to a young man his age.  Especially here in Ashland.  There’s only so many jewish girls here.  He has a reputation.   But he shouldn’t have renounced his faith.”  However, those close to him report that Trappstein felt as if he had no choice.  ”If he can’t get decent bagels at his Bar Mitzvah, with a yarmulke like his, who’s going to touch him?  He had to go goy.  He’d be celibate for life!” reported a friend who wished to remain unidentified.

Tony’s Auto and Bagel, the store who catered the event, declined to comment on the record, but insisted that the bagels they supplied were both plump and fresh.

“I’m not worried about it at all.” Leonard Trappstein added. “Goy or jew, he’ll get laid.  Its not as if there’s a lot to choose from here.”